It's midnight. It's been three months since I've expressed myself properly on any platform. Me deleting off my Twitter account took away the last appropriate medium to vent. Well, of course, there's the blog that I haven't bothered maintaining for the past three months - it's because I just couldn't be bothered. Here's a fresh new platform filled with all sorts of customisable options though I've no idea how to design it anyway, so here's keeping things minimalistic. I realise I've so many things to say that I don't know where to begin and where to elaborate on. This post might actually just take hours to write.
I'm here in the library again. Had a paper ten hours ago and that was probably one of the worst I've done. To be fair, I haven't been myself these few months. I think my body and brain are just telling me "Dude, you're done, you're really done. Just stop." People constantly ask me "So what do you want to do in the future, exactly?" And I find myself constantly struggling to give a correct answer. I can never give a fulfilling answer, because I have no idea if pursuing a career in what I've studied will definitely keep me going in the long run. Sure, I could name a few like designing, writing or even psychology. Deep down, these things wouldn't be feasible in the long run, or in other words, aren't feasible considering my background and what is expected of me. One could perpetually argue "Just do whatever you think you will like." But I guess those things are just hypothetically what I can do and not something I will excel in it. I'm still struggling to find the correct balance - something that I wouldn't be bored of and something that I could also do well in.
I'd say the past few months have been intense for me, in terms of deciding about the future. I realised having spent so much time in the UK really instils some form of sense of belonging and compels me to want to try staying here. I'd just say that the living conditions here as a whole are ideal - considering the city, the culture, the accessibility and the quality of life. My dreams of being able to stay here for some time are still very much alive. The fantasy of having my own loft or apartment somewhere in this bustling city still gets triggered in my mind from time time. It's so unlikely and improbable, but no one can tell the future for sure and we can only hope.
This final term of my undergraduate life has been intense. The numerous coursework have been very draining. My dissertation is finally complete and I do hope it can score a decent grade that will elevate my now hopelessly low chances of scoring a First. My supervisor also conveniently introduced me to the world of analytics - something involving data and how to manipulate them and analyse. I've looked at it and it does involve quite a bit of programming knowledge and understanding how to obtain data, particularly from the Internet regarding social networking platforms and I guess it interests me enough to consider it as an alternative to what I am doing now and so I've applied to two internationally-renowned universities here in London - one of which still refuses to give me an offer at this point and so I'm still patiently and anxiously waiting.
And I guess that pretty much sums up my life between my last post and the start of this month - deciding on what I didn't want to do in life (potentially), deciding on what I wanted to try doing in life, dissertation and failing in academic life, working and gaming.
MAY. I went to see Ed Sheeran (for the second time) and it was standing this time. Hearing him live and watching him as a solo artist without the need of any back-up singers or band is amazing. Just a one-man show. If there's a third opportunity, I will still definitely go. Shout out to T. Swift: Please get some new music out soon.
I haven't been motivated like I have always been in previous exams. I think I'm truly burn-out from dealing with everything that I just need an extended break in life. That said, I've been planning trips and filling up my entire June post-exams because I just want to travel and explore. My lack of motivation also extends to being distracted from waiting for offers for Masters. My inconfidence led me to applying for a third university for another subject which I'm not really keen in doing, but it's now redundant considering the offer that I received just yesterday. But if they were to give me an offer, I can finally reject the university that rejected me for my undergraduate application (coughs). All these thoughts about the future and lack of motivation haven't been giving me the drive to study properly. So I was pretty much unprepared for yesterday's paper, even though I've had a go at a lot of past papers (and it really sucks to see some questions being repeated that I've seen previously but never bothered trying to learn it because I assumed since it only came out once that it won't appear again). I think I messed up bad, but it's life I guess. My hopes of getting a First is now dangerously low and it's now dependent on the last two papers I'll sit in the coming week, back-to-back.
Just can't wait for them to end.
God bless me.