“In my blood.”

I guess this has become my outlet for expressing my feelings ever since I took down my Twitter account over a year ago. Academic reports aside, it’s been too long since I’ve written anything that pretty much sums up how I feel and hopefully this can paint my emotions satisafactorily.

Don’t get me wrong. Life has been one hell of a voyage the past few years. I say that with whatever sentimental nostalgia I still have bottled in the heart. People who know (or knew, perhaps) me would identify me as a sentimental person without hesitating. I’m someone who clings on to memories; to the past. I’m someone who treasures every good bit of memory that has happpened with another. Maybe in the eyes of others, my life has been nothing short of a perfect adventure and that I have no reason in the world to worry about anything. No doubt, I am blessed with the opportunity to explore the world freely and easily. I’m thankful, really. But my psychological wellbeing today is constantly being questioned in my head. No, nothing is lacking. No, nothing is wrong. Am I ok? Perfectly fine, but nothing is capable of knocking this negativity off my system.

Maybe it’s the result of cumulative negativity that has been surpressed for forever over the span of my life. My introversion has taken over and as much as deep, meaningful conversations with the truest and realest of acquaintances are very much appreciated and treasured, actively seeking out these social interactions have been reduced to finding comfort in loneliness and spending time in virtual environments. Maybe it’s become that one platform where reality can be thrown aside for temporal recovery of the mental system. 

Life continues on everyday but this mental burnout persists in the emotionally-strained mind of mine that struggles constantly to pursue any sentiments of motivation and will and to associate a proper meaning to my existence and pursue unidentifiable happiness. Yes, that’s a sophisticated sentence but this is as accurate as it gets to translate emotions into English.

My apologies that this post has been nothing short of depressing so far but this is my psychological wellbeing speaking in eloquence. I don’t know when I will recover from this void of positivity (perhaps never) but venting out like that hopefully justifies my lack of emotional excitement to respond readily or situationally. Even typing this entire post still feels, in some way, lacking of what invites insomnia in the coziest of beds but alas what I feel no amount of materialistic bribe or global adventures can dethrone.

I just hope one day I will look back at this and claim victory - before it’s too late. If you’d ask me whether I’m fine or not, the short answer would be “there’s no reason not to be”, or to answer “are you O.K?”:  “yup” - but it comes attached with an entire whirlwind of emotions that I have tried defining above which all seemingly have no concrete foundation to stand on. 

It’s okay, though. I’m perfectly fine.